Nobody's creekbed

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Gambia, Here We Come!

"...the extensive government-funded report stated the crux of the matter succintly: 'There really are no famous people in the Gambia. This is the nature of the Gambia.'" Fortunatley for both the Gambia and the rest of the world, the United States Congress is now considering a Famous Persons Loan Program, a kind of Famous Persons exchange, in the hopes of distorting the Gambian sense of self-worth. "You have to understand, the life of the Gambian is a joy-less life, devoid of television and unattainable hopes, devoid completely of bankrupt desires," said Rep. John Garland, R, Nevada, "It is our duty, as Americans, to make sure that these people stop considering their own trivial day-to-day life struggles as something of any tangible merit." There is already widespread support for the plan among the entertainment industry's royal family. Among other celebrities, John Travolta has taken a very vocal lead in raising awareness of "the vacuum of real star-power" in the Gambia, volunteering to "do anything humanly possible to help ease the plight of the Gambian people." Travolta has suggested the title Ambassador of Fatuity and Celebrity Awareness. Diplomats have suggested rotating celebrity ambassadorships with new stars coming into the country every few weeks to walk the dusty roads of the arid countryside and the densely congested highways of the cityscape in whatever fashions may be trendy or in at the moment, delivering unto the Gambian people well-lit, bright smiles, chiselled features, sparkling eyes, knowing glances, ironic asides, peals of sudden too-loud laughter, practiced charm, killer wit, excellent cosmetics, empathetic nodding of the suddenly moist-eyed, purse-lipped, too-big and understanding face, all in the name of lifting the Gambian spirit to new conflicted heights, giving them new goals to fall short of, and something naively to believe in. "God," said Rep. Garland, "Just seeing Jennifer Lopez in sunglasses and hopefully that hot little leather thing she wore last week while on the town in New York City... why this could change everything, and I mean Everything, in the Gambia. And just think if we could get Ben Affleck back on her arm, Jesus H. Christ, a married Ben Affleck, a father no less, back with the old chick, man, strolling in the hot sun, those people would be falling all over themselves in confusion and sudden enlightenment. Wouldn't that be awesome?" For once this is something the Washington politicos and the Hollywood A-list can agree on. Suddenly everybody is aware of the problems in the Gambia, aware that change has to happen and has to happen quickly. "As it is," said Tom Cruise, on board his reverse-particle spaceship, "all the average Gambian is concerned about right now are things like eating and drinking and survival and I think there is something we can do about that." Cruise's eyes suddenly moistened, his lips pursed, he downturned the edges of his sly, cunning wolfmouth, while nodding repeatedly in a knowing, caring manner, keeping his face turned in just that right way. "No," Cruise continued, "There is something we must do." His machine's silent engine revved as he jacked up the reverse-particles and he shot himself toward the moon. I know we were floored! Those little Gambians don't know what's coming!"

"Wow, that's really something to feel good about, John!"

"You bet it is, Christy, and I can promise everyone out there that we here at Entertainment Tonight will be keeping our eyes and yours on any breaking developments in this important story. And now in other news, the always interesting Matt Damon, on the set of his highly anticipated new thriller Duck Money said that women really and truly love his cock. "I don't know what it is," he tells ET in this world-exclusive interview, "but I walk into almost any room in the world now and I get the idea that every single chick in that place wants my fucking cock. It's unreal. I think it's hilarious..."